When I found out our first baby wasn’t going to make it, I spent hours searching online for similar stories. The stories I found saddened me deeply but somehow I knew I needed to hear them. I had become apart of a club I didn’t want to belong to but had no choice. I needed to read “the manual” so to speak. So I am writing this for those who might also need to hear my story.
I describe what happened to help others prepare and make decisions on how they want to handle their miscarriage. If you are squeamish, please skip the details.
I prayed and painfully hoped for a husband for over a decade. Finally God answered my prayers and I married my wonderful husband at the age of 37. Although older, we still had to put off trying for our first baby due to employment struggles and moving around the country with various job offers. Eventually we settled down and started looking for our first home.
During escrow is when we found out we were pregnant with our first. I couldn’t believe how easily we had gotten pregnant! I remember thinking “the road to marriage was so hard, is God really going to let me have a baby this easy?” I kept taking pregnancy tests because I just couldn’t believe it.
My first appointment was at 8 weeks. After confirming my pregnancy, they ushered me into the ultrasound room. I was so excited I got to see my baby! It didn’t take long though before my excitement turned a dark corner.
The ultrasound technician said she saw my baby but there was no heartbeart. Honestly I didn’t understand what that meant. Before I could ask, she said she had to take some measurements. Eventually she said my baby measured 7 weeks and 1 day, that she was sorry, and that the doctor would prescribe me pills or schedule surgery. What?! I still didn’t understand everything. I had so many questions but was afraid to ask. I was ushered to a waiting area before seeing the doctor and frantically searched my phone for “7 weeks and no heartbeat”. I found nothing good.
When I was finally able to speak to the doctor, he was kind but confident there was no hope for my baby. He said the baby was 10mm and after 5mm there should have been a heartbeat. He offered a follow-up appointment the next week so that I would be sure of his diagnosis.
As soon as I got home, I sent messages to my praying friends asking desperately for prayers. I prayed life into my baby. When I found out I was pregnant I started laying off the essential oils. I opted to be cautious due to lack of research on first trimester development and essential oils. But when I got home after the diagnosis, I rubbed Joy and Highest Potential on my abdomen, diffused Frankincense, and prayed like crazy for my baby’s heart to start beating.
A week later I went back for the follow-up and the doctor confirmed what I feared in my heart. My baby had not grown at all and there was still no heartbeat. There was no hope.
I told the doctor I wanted to miscarry naturally. He gave me a prescription of Oxycondone to help with the pain and some advice on what to expect. I took a couple days off work and cried and cried. I diffused Trauma Life once but couldn’t stand the smell. It was too raw.
Over the next few weeks, I rubbed Clary Sage on the inside of my feet and Rosemary on the outside twice a day. I had read they could cause uterus contractions and bleeding and was hoping they would help. Unfortunately they didn’t work for me. There was nothing for a few weeks, only a little spotting.
I went back to the doctor’s and they confirmed with another ultrasound that the baby and everything else was still there. I had made no progress at all. The doctor prescribed Mistoprostol to help start the miscarriage, and I took them that night.
*Please skip this next part if you are squeamish.*
About one in the morning, I woke up with terrible diarrhea, an unfortunate side effect of the pills. After a few hours I started to feel cramps in my lower abdomen. I took Advil and used a heating pad to lessen the pain, but it only got worse. Eventually I decided to take one of the Oxycodone the doctor had prescribed, and I was thankful I did. The worst cramps/ contractions came just a few minutes later and I found myself in the bathroom almost passing out from the pain. I also thought I would vomit from the pain, so I rubbed TummyGize on my stomach and inhaled from the bottle. So grateful I had left TummyGize in the bathroom!
The pain came in waves so the next time it eased for a few seconds, I quickly took another Oxycodone. When the pain was at its worse, I could feel large clots coming out and started to push when it got to that point. I really don’t have a sense of time how long it took, but it was fast…maybe around half an hour. I didn’t look to see what was coming out. I didn’t know if my baby had passed or not, and that would haunt me for many days to come.
The second dose of Oxycodone started to kick in and the pain eased quite a bit. I was able to lay down on the couch with a heating pad and wearing a menstrual pad. I passed in and out of sleep and could feel more clots coming out when I was awake. Finally around 7am, I woke up and felt physically good. I felt the worst might be over.
The next few days were almost like a heavy period. Every couple of days I would pass more clots, but there was no more physical pain. The emotional pain was raw and heavy. I took those days off of work and sat in grief and said goodbye to my baby as best I could.
The doctor did my first blood work two weeks later and confirmed that my pregnancy hormones were low enough for the miscarriage to be considered complete. I was grateful not to need a D&E and felt like I could finally start to heal emotionally. I slowly started sharing what happened with more family and friends after the holidays were over.
I diffuse whatever uplifts me now. At the moment, pine scents seem to help the most. I am using Tsuga often, or Believe. I also diffuse Clove and Cinnamon Bark. Or Frankincense. And I can even diffuse Trauma Life now too. I tend to gravitate to the earthy scents instead of the flowery ones at the moment. I think it helps me feel more grounded.
Slowly my husband and I are getting back to normal life. We don’t know why we lost our first baby. And for those reading this facing the same, you have my deepest sympathies. I am truly sorry you have to be apart of this club too. I pray we all get our rainbow babies one day soon.